First Week of Weird

It was weird, but not awful. At least, not always awful.

My students adapted. They are doing the new assignments and making things work. They let me know when they had a problem so I could extend due dates. They seem to be stable and calm.

I spent half of Tuesday setting things up so I can work from my attic, on my laptop. It's okay. The house is cold during the day, so I wrap up in a blanket. I go downstairs for lunch and a couple of breaks every day. I stream music over the internet while I work.

I had some drama over supplies for my 300-level class. My lab manager ordered some kits for me last week that I thought I could mail to the students so they could do some lab-like experiments. They aren't at all the same as doing the experiments I had planned for them in the actual lab, but better than nothing, I hoped. Well, then the State shutdown happened and I had to leave campus before they arrived. It was announced that the campus mail room would be closed. I emailed somebody in charge and asked if I could collect the package somehow, and then suddenly the mail room announced it would be open a few hours every day. But I'm still not permitted on campus. I eventually found a staff member who is considered "essential" and he agreed to get the package for me and bring it to my house. That all happened yesterday, so now I just need the students to send me their addresses and then figure out how to get them in the mail. And then, figure out what to tell them to do with the kits. One problem at a time, I keep reminding myself.

Besides that, my phone started acting strange yesterday. It shut itself down twice while I was using it. Today it ran out of electricity alarmingly fast in the morning. There was an indicator message that said I should have the battery replaced and I need to go to the Apple Store or ship the phone to a repair center. Of course, the Apple Store in town is closed for the duration. I would have to ship it somewhere, if the repair places are even available now, and that would take 1-2 weeks. While I'm stuck at home, a smartphone may not be essential - I can probably get by with other devices - but I had relied on a scanner app to send documents to students. I don't have any other way to do that. This afternoon the phone seems to be fine, so I'm allowing myself to go into denial for the weekend.

Impending lockdown

Our governor announced this morning that the whole State will go into lockdown tonight at midnight. Nobody is to leave their homes for three weeks except for essential trips (medical care, groceries, fuel) and all the shops are closed except for those considered essential. Since two neighboring States just did the same over the weekend, I can't be surprised, but I am deeply affected.

I was already at school, in my office, on this first day of emergency distance learning. I had just sent email to students in all my classes, telling them what to expect this week in terms of assignments and my new online office hour schedule. Received a heads-up text message from a friend just before the governor's press conference (which I watched live) and haven't been able to concentrate since.

I'm telling myself I spent last week preparing for something like this and I'm as ready as possible. That I'm lucky I have a computer and internet at home so I can continue to work from there. That I'll be safer in isolation in my own house than I would be at campus.

And yet...And yet, I will miss my pathetic basement office. This old desk with its broken drawers. My collection of professional books (too many to bring home). The accumulated debris and detritus of almost twenty years of teaching. The sounds of the other people (fewer than usual at the moment) who inhabit these basement spaces. The way the sun comes through the window and hits me in the face for about an hour each morning. I'll be installed in my house's attic on a card table with my piles of office supplies on the floor around me by tomorrow, and it will be strange. I'm sitting here thinking, "what could I take home with me today to make it better?" But there's nothing in particular and I can't take it all.

I packed a hopeless box anyway. Whiteboard markers and a little whiteboard for video teaching. A few papers. Records for our majors and minors that are only hardcopy. All the candy. My desk dinosaurs. My favorite periodic table.

This is my song for the week, and I need it.
Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobbin McFerrin

The Most Work I've Ever Done Over Spring Break

This week was "extended Spring Break." We were supposed to start classes Monday, but instead the students came back to campus to clear out their dorm rooms and move back home for the duration. I spent every day in my office on campus. All the days run together in my memory, and by Wednesday morning I was having trouble remembering what happened when. My floor of the building was nearly deserted, although a couple of faculty who don't have computers at home were around some of the time. I was glued to my desk, getting as much done as I could, as fast as I could. The beginning of the week was frantic, but things settled down as I started to make progress, make decisions, get things out of my head.

I spent several hours in training sessions, Monday and Tuesday. By the end of the day Monday, my student group had cancelled their big end-of-the-year banquet and awards ceremony. By Tuesday I had an alternative plan for the Student Research Symposium I organize every spring. We're going to an online poster session, with students submitting posters and separate audio/video narration files that I'll put somewhere for others to view. I had to set up a new course on our LMS and revise all the dates and instructions, and then email all the faculty about the changes.

I wrote two alternative assignments for my general chemistry labs to do, and recorded short videos for each to walk them through the instructions. That was about half for me to practice recording videos and half for them. I made the first assignment available on the LMS on Wednesday but didn't draw any attention to it (planning to email the class next week) and already two of my students have completed the work on their own initiative.

I sent a poll to all my students so I can set virtual office hours, and 14 had responded by the end of the week. That's about one-third of my classes, and considering they're all overwhelmed, confused, and scared, that's pretty good.

I set up everything I need for the advising and registration period, which also starts next week. Luckily I only have a half-dozen advisees right now. I sent them email explaining how it will work and asking them to make appointments as soon as possible, but no responses so far on that. Well, are we even going to have fall semester next year? Who knows, and I am trying not to think about it.

I spent almost a whole day grading a set of upper-level lab reports that I've had since early March. That class had another report due yesterday and I hate to not finish one set before the next set is due. I hope the students will use the feedback I give them, but at the very least it makes me feel like I'm not falling behind. In a bit of good fortune, two of those students had not yet started a new lab experiment before Break, and the third (it's a small class) had just finished the main part of his experiment. Last week, it became clear there was no way to do experiments remotely. Then yesterday an internet colleague shared a whole set of files for that experiment that I can give to my students and they can use to complete the analysis. I'm not sure the students will be as excited as I am, but I'm thrilled. They won't get to actually do the experiment but they can still do some of the learning. Yay!

On Monday I packed a bag (actually, two bags) of books and stuff from my office and took them home just in case the campus was suddenly closed or the city goes into lockdown and I can't get back. Everyday I drove the two bags to school in the morning and then took them home afterward. I was feeling kind of embarrassed about this paranoia, but then I talked to a colleague who is doing the exact same thing! I left campus yesterday, similar to last week, with the feeling that I might not be back on Monday. Trying to stay calm about it. Reminding myself that at least I have internet at home, and there are worse things than having to stay in my house with all my books and yarn and things.

I'm making a playlist of "don't worry, be happy" songs. It gives my brain something to think about when I wake up in the night and start cycling through anxiety thoughts. So far, I have:
Three Little Birds by Bob Marley
Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da by The Beatles
Happy by Pharrell Williams
Que Sera, Sera by Doris Day
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life by Eric Idle (Monty Python)

One day at a time, right?

It's hard not to feel terrible.

You know how sometimes you don't really know what's wrong until you say something unexpected to another person? Yesterday as I was leaving campus, I passed a staff member on the sidewalk and he asked how I was. I tried to say something light, but nearly had a meltdown instead. I think I said something like "I feel like my life's work is being completely destroyed." The poor man.

I remember wishing my students a good break only a week ago. I was aware of the coronavirus, even with my almost-total avoidance of news media. I had heard about Italy and China, the various cruise ships, and I knew it was coming here. I spent Saturday having a birthday party for my spouse. We had a dozen close friends over for board games all afternoon and evening, played Jimmy Buffet records, and enjoyed the sunlight. Sunday we went to a film, walked in the park because it was another warm day, and went out for dinner. Monday we went shopping at our favorite places and ate out again. Tuesday we visited the local botanical garden and sculpture park and had our regular board game night. It was a lovely few days that I felt I needed to relax and reacquire some equilibrium.

Wednesday I came to the office to get started on my long to-do list. Almost as soon as I arrived, a colleague found me and delivered a long rant about how the college should close immediately to "flatten the curve." I was not prepared to think about any of that and I reacted with intense anger, though not directed at him. I felt the way I did during January/February 2019 when the college closed for the polar vortex and other weather events at total of nine days, including an unprecedented entire week. The feeling has something to do with loss of control, which I absolutely hate, and also grief. I tried to grade lab reports, but I seem to have lost the ability to concentrate for more than a few minutes at a time. It didn't help that our faculty Slack channel blew up with rumors after that same colleague talked to our Provost and we got a hint about the impending doom.

Today hasn't been much better. We had an emergency all-faculty meeting this morning to hear the plan, which is to extend spring break another week and transition all courses to distance learning starting March 23. Questions remain. A lot of them. I am particularly grateful that our Provost acknowledged that some classes, such as those with a lab component, are going to be difficult to transition. During polar vortex, no one ever said that even when I pointed out that I had lost 60% of my lab periods to date. Then, it felt as if my work was not valued, that I was expected to just discard all the work of building an awesome experience for students and pretend it didn't matter. This time, I felt seen as opposed to dismissed. We still don't know what we're going to do about the labs, and they are a big concern for me because I'm mostly teaching labs this semester, including one upper-level course that is more than half lab.

The official announcement went to students and parents after the meeting, but so far no students have contacted me. That's good because I don't know what to tell them. I did finish grading that set of lab reports. It feels like all I've done for two days is talk to frightened, overwhelmed colleagues and look at these damned lab reports that no one will care about. The students won't even get them back, I'm guessing.

I'm weepy today. Anything sets me off. However, this is probably better than the anger of yesterday. I am reminded of the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Yesterday I absolutely went from denial to anger. Today I'm firmly in depression. (I don't know what happened to bargaining. Maybe I'm bad at negotiation.) One of the impulse purchases I made Monday was a plush sheep. I've been holding on to it at home like a life preserver and I'm thinking of bringing it to school with me tomorrow. I'm calling it my emotional support sheep (meaning no disrespect to those who have actual need of an emotional support animal) because somehow it does help me feel better. That sounds ridiculous. I'll try to get a photo tonight.
ETA: photo