The early part of last week I started feeling almost comfortable with my current situation. I certainly have plenty of work to do and most days I can distract myself for eight or nine hours by concentrating on work. Things have settled into a routine. I know, of course, that routine is a trap that makes the next change feel worse, but I can't keep the paranoia going nonstop.
I spent most of Saturday sewing masks. I cut up an old cotton bedsheet and used strips of old t-shirt for ties. I made the rectangular, pleated kind. The first one took an hour because I had to relearn how to use my sewing machine: how to thread the needle, what all the knobs do, then the bobbin ran out after two seams and I had to relearn how to wind a new one (with a different color thread because why would matching thread matter?). I don't have a good straightedge or measuring tape so my cuts are wobbly and uneven, which makes some of the seams wobbly. I couldn't be bothered to iron anything flat. I got it done, and I made a total of seven masks. If the government declares masks mandatory, then we have enough for a few trips to the store each before we need to launder them all. After the photo was taken, I decided to hand sew little red hearts (cut out of a red t-shirt) on the front, so we can tell more easily which side is "out" and "up."
This week is full of work for classes, and suddenly a lot of online meetings, and my job organizing the annual research symposium and summer research programs (which are all going forward, but with distancing/online) has taken at least half my hours every day. Everything is slow because it has to be communicated through email and I'm having to recreate from scratch materials I either don't have access to or never needed for in-person. We only have about two more weeks of the semester and I oscillate between feeling relief that my class responsibilities are nearly over and fear that something worse will happen after that.
Easter Sunday BAM had to be at work by 7 a.m. so I went for a walk in our neighborhood park right after breakfast. It was much better than our usual after-dinner walks because there were hardly any people there and I got to see a lot more deer, rabbits, birds, and other wildlife. I decided to try to walk after breakfast every day, and so far I've managed that. Monday it was cold and raining lightly. Tuesday there were snow flurries. Today it is honestly snowing. I saw sixteen deer and three humans today, and that's perfect.
I'm feeling completely antisocial. People are just too awful to deal with. My FB feed is horrible today; I posted a photo of the snow and got off there as quickly as I could. My colleagues (some of them) are too much. They share news and all of it is bad and scary. Our college president sent an email to all of us yesterday, assuring us that everyone will continue to be paid through the end of the fiscal year, which is June 30. After that, we don't know, of course. The worst catastrophizer in my department started talking about "what if we have to teach fall courses online too" at yesterday's online meeting and it made me just want to quit. I don't have the energy to contemplate "what ifs" right now.
I'm trying to stay cheerful and keep up with my classes. I'm trying to give my students as much empathy and understanding as I can. I'm trying, but I don't feel like it's helping at all and I'm questioning what am I doing? Does any of this matter? Will it go on forever? What if I get sick? What if BAM gets sick, or my parents, or someone else in the family, or some of our friends? I just can't think about those things, so I'm going to get another cup of tea and attempt to finish something for class before lunch.
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