This can't be what winning looks like

Another rough week. I keep reminding myself that I'm healthy and safe, and sometimes that helps. 

This week, I worked in the labs on campus 2.5 days. I feel pretty good about what I accomplished. I finished one of the analytical experiments and started working on the next one. I tried out a bunch of simple general chemistry experiments for students to do at home, wrote procedures for them, and compiled a list of materials. I will be making kits to send home with them so they can do these activities wherever they are. I bought 50 small digital kitchen balances so each kit will have one and my lab manager is ordering all the other supplies now. So for the fall semester, I have six in-person lab experiments, five do-at-home experiments, and three back up experiments the students will be able to do at home with their kits if we have to go fully online sometime and can't continue the in-person labs. I just need the students to be able to pick up their lab kits during the first week - otherwise I guess I'll be mailing out 50 boxes somehow.

We faculty met our new Provost Tuesday afternoon. He held a two-hour Zoom meeting and he took questions from the attendees as well as talking about the questions we had submitted ahead of time. I didn't feel like he gave many answers. Most of what he said was "we're working on the plan for that" and promises to share the plan soon. He also spent the last twenty or thirty minutes talking about what he thinks are the problems with the small liberal arts college model (basically the way financial aid is distributed) and how he thinks he can fix us by making some changes like adding revenue-positive graduate programs. Well, I will try to give him a chance, but I feel as if I've heard all of this before. 

I had a dentist appointment Wednesday for a regular cleaning first thing in the morning. I had to wear a face mask of course, and call from the parking lot before I could come inside. The hygienist measured my temperature (new), oxygen levels (new), and blood pressure (not new). My blood pressure was surprisingly high, and continues to worry me. I normally have nice, low blood pressure, so it was quite startling. I had to do a mouth rinse with some truly disgusting tasting solution. The hygienist said it was salt or sodium bicarbonate, with mint flavoring. The rest of the cleaning was as in the before times although she wore some extra gear for protection. The dentist recommended that I replace one of my old amalgam fillings. I had one replaced last summer too. They are probably close to forty years old, but no one told me that replacements were a thing. I assumed they lasted forever, you know? At first, I thought I would wait six months and do the replacement at my next regular visit, but then I started worrying: what will the pandemic situation be like in January 2021? Will dentists be open then? Will I have time then? Will I even be employed and have insurance then? So I decided to have it done right away - I'm going back next week.

Thursday I was on campus getting some more lab work done. At about 4 p.m. a thunderstorm rolled in and it was quite nice to see some rain after the week of heat and intense sun we've had. But then the electricity went out, so I couldn't keep working. I stood around with the lab manager for twenty minutes or so to see if the power would come back, but when it didn't I went home. I wasn't able to download this week's lab photos before the storm, so I don't have any to show you here.

Wednesday was the worst day I've had in a while. I started crying for no apparent reason in the shower. After the dentist I cried most of the way home in the car. I was so upset that I called the EAC from home and made a counseling appointment for next week (same day as my filling, so that will be fun). The man who answered my call was very calm and nice-sounding. He just asked me a few questions like my name, phone number, and employer and scheduled the appointment. They aren't doing in person sessions at this time, but I had a choice of telephone or virtual (Zoom, I suppose) and I chose telephone just because if I cry again I will feel less exposed if the counselor can't see me.

Part of me thinks there is something wrong even beyond the pandemic and associated stress. I know I felt almost this bad for a while last January, and there have been times in the last few years when I didn't feel good but it didn't seem like something anyone could help me with. I couldn't even explain what the problem was. Over time, I've started feeling more and more guilty that all I do is talk it out with BAM, and he doesn't deserve that burden (although he doesn't complain). Back in January, the bad feeling lasted more than one day, and I called the EAC one morning before class to get an appointment but no one answered. I was annoyed that the supposedly 24/7 service wasn't, and I didn't try again. Until this week. I can't even describe what I feel bad about, and that's sort of frustrating. It's just a general badness, a hopelessness, a sense that things are not right. I don't feel like I'm bad or that I will harm myself, not anything like that. Just a feeling that everything is wrong and I can't make it better. Usually, after a sleep I wake up feeling normal and fine again and I can't figure out what happened.

So we'll see if this counselor can help me. Meanwhile I have to continue preparing two classes with their labs for next month, while COVID-19 cases are surging all around here again, worse than March and April. It makes me angry that all the sacrifices I've made in staying home for the past four months are wasted because of the idiots who are out there behaving stupidly. I'm angry that I'm going to have to go back to school in a few weeks surrounded by people who might make me sick and that those people are endangering not only the health of everyone else but also the learning experience for all my students. I think my job is hard enough to do well under the best of circumstances and now I don't look forward to any part of it. Until sometime in June I actually had some hope that we'd be able to beat this virus, but I think the virus is definitely winning now. At least our governor made face masks mandatory as of next Monday. She's on my side and I'm on hers.