Time Passes Unhappily

 It's been ten days. I have cried on each day, at least once and sometimes multiple times. I am having a lot of trouble eating. I find fruit and vegetables okay, but sometimes I can't even look at other foods. I eat as much as I can before I am repulsed (I feel nauseated), and that's just as much as I can do. This morning I ordered two smoothies for delivery, in the hope that I'll be able to ingest some calories and protein that way because I could barely eat my banana and drink a cup of tea for breakfast.

I also am not sleeping. Some nights I sleep for a few hours, then wake up and cry until morning. The better nights I wake up for an hour or two and then fall asleep again. Cypar and I usually talk for part or all of that wakefulness because it's better (I think) to talk about my feelings with him than to just drown in them alone. Last night was particularly difficult. I felt physically crushed under the weight of everything. It was terrifying. 

This is making work difficult. Last week, I tried to keep my morning routine as much as possible. I went to the office and did as much as I felt able to do, which some days was just answering email and then staring at the wall. I try to eat lunch there, and come home in the early afternoon. I think it helps to go somewhere neutral and be forced to interact normally with other people, but I just can't do a lot of that.

I have noticed that my eyes seem to be behaving a little better, which is weird. Maybe I'm imagining this, but earlier this spring I started noticing a lot of ghosts. I would be looking at something, maybe knitting in my lap, and I would suddenly see something move in my peripheral - like a flap of cloth, or an object shifting - but when I turned to focus on that, there was never anything there. It hasn't happened for a few days now when it used to be frequent. I wonder if I was picking up stress from another person and that was leaking out? That sounds so stupid and new-agey, but I don't have anything else.

I have two books I am reading to learn more about the problems. Tomorrow I see my therapist for the second time. I will try to make a list of questions for her so that I might get some relief, some way to feel better (at least functional) in the short term while I devote energy to the bigger, long-term problems. I try to remember I'm not the first person in this situation, and other people have managed to get through it.