Dark Times & Knitting

Yesterday was our all-day faculty meeting to begin the new academic year. At the last moment I realized that I had no suitable project to work on, since I haven't done any knitting since mid-June, and threw supplies in a bag to make these coasters. The yarn is Knit Picks Swish, leftover from my Catan blanket years ago. I had to use my pocketknife to cut the yarn because I forgot to bring scissors. I finished four coasters and started a fifth during the meeting. I'm going to try to make six and give them to my friend M. who told me the other day ze has no coasters in zir house.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless today. My first classes are tomorrow and the next day. I don't want to teach them. I'm not excited about meeting the new students, or doing anything in class. Things in my life are difficult and unhappy. This morning I felt heavy grief for what has already been lost and what is still to be lost. Am I deluding myself that anything will turn out well for me? I can't see any light at the end of this dark time. I don't know where I'm going. Am I even going in the right direction? Why don't I just give up? Would I be happy if I left this job, left this place, left these people, and started over somewhere else? 

More About Friendship

My therapist reminded me that friendships take effort, like dating. Of course I knew this, but I needed it said to me. She challenged me to take one step with someone I think could be a friend before our next session. Because I'm Type A, and so scared about the mess my life is right now, I may have gone overboard.

I have a lunch date today with two colleagues that I've hung out with a few times in the past. They are both friends, and maybe they could become close friends if I let them. I want to try. None of the three of us is good socially (which is maybe why we ended up together at all). I don't know how to get from the sort of Level 1 friendship we have now to the Level 2 or 3 friendship I would like to have.

I have a frozen yogurt date tomorrow evening with someone from the game group. This one is probably a dead end and I'm already a little disappointed about that. But I'm going to meet him anyway and hear what he has to say. Maybe I'll be surprised.

I have a coffee date with the wife of another person in the game group. I've always admired her, but since she doesn't usually play games with us I haven't had the chance to get to know her. I think I'd like to know her better, hence I asked her to coffee and we'll see.

That's the short list of potential friends I came up with. I'm searching for other activities that would allow me to meet new people. A book club? A choir? Volunteering somewhere? I know once classes start, I won't have a lot of free time or energy for these things. An added challenge is covid-19; our county just moved into a high risk category again, masks are required on campus again starting today. But all I can do is keep trying, right?

Meanwhile, a person I once thought of as a friend continues to act in ways I cannot accept. I have been trying to understand and looking for a way to reconcile this person's actions with their statements of friendship to me, but after this latest episode I just can't do it. There's too much other pain going on for me to deal with this person's bullshit. I've told the person to leave me alone. Maybe at some point I'll be ready to hear their explanation and possibly I'll be open to something like friendship again, but that time is not now.